Peaceful Divorce

What is parental “alienation”?

kenrempell · October 4, 2023 ·

What is parental “alienation”?

Alienation, often referred to as refuse/resist, is an array of generally recognized symptoms and/or behaviors discernible in family members. Recognition of associated symptoms and behaviors has been on the rise, and the outcome for children can be very poor, especially as children get older. Reliance on litigation or individual therapy has proven ineffective interventions.

These cases matter because they usually involve high conflict that, unto itself, is a poor indicator of cooperative future parenting. These cases matter because they often lead to trauma and chaos in a child’s life. These cases matter because they make use of substantial resources – financial, time, and emotional.

There is general agreement about the behaviors that parents can use to manipulate children’s feelings, behaviors, and beliefs before and after separation. Here are but a few:

1. Badmouthing/denigration of rejected parent;

2. Emotional manipulation;

3. Limits and monitors contact;

4. Allows child to make adult decisions;

5. Allows/insists that the child makes decisions about contact;

6. Rarely talks about the other parent;

7. Uninterested in the child’s time with the other parent, and

8. Refuses to speak with the other parent.

Other contributing factors include intense marital conflict, divorce conflict and litigation, and the personalities of the parents. Factors that impact the child include triangulation between the parents, their age, temperament and personality, behavioral problems, and anxiety.

Before working on the relationship between the child and the unfavored parent, work must begin with the favored parent. Then the co-parents need preparation and agreements. Likewise, the child needs preparation and planned activities to provide new opportunities and new perspectives. These cases are difficult and require intensive attention. Often, intervention fails, necessitating additional steps

Intervention when parental alienation or refusal/resistance is a possibility should begin as early as possible. Don’t wait until one spouse feels that everything, including the love of the children, is a dog fight they need to win. We stress the importance of committing to keeping the family intact. Each spouse is encouraged to seek positive outlets for anger and even seek support from mental health professionals.

Putting Your Kids First in Your Divorce

kenrempell · August 17, 2023 ·

How can you help your children manage your divorce? Put your kids first by committing to peace, negotation and fairness. As parents, we find ourselves grappling with numerous challenges as we divorce. However, it is in the best interest of our children to put differences aside and anchor the divorce in keeping the family relationships intact.

Putting your kids first in a divorce is crucial for their emotional well-being and stability during a time that is challenging and confusing. It starts with keeping their environment stable and free from the conflict of the negotiations. Next, both parents must commit to prioritizing the children’s well-being:

Encourage honest conversations with your children about the divorce. This begins by providing age-appropriate information to help them understand the situation.
Offer constant reassurance of your love and support, emphasizing that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to care for them.
Maintain as much stability as possible in their daily routines, school activities, and relationships with friends and family.
Work with your ex-spouse to establish a cooperative co-parenting plan that puts the children’s best interests first.
Model respectful behavior towards your ex-partner, avoiding negative comments or conflicts in front of the children.
Keep conflict away from kids. Shield your children from any parental disagreements or legal matters, discussing these issues privately and away from their presence.
Be sensitive to your children’s emotions and allow them to express their feelings openly without judgment.
Support your children’s relationship with the other parent, understanding that maintaining strong connections with both parents is essential for their well-being.
Consider professional help through family therapy or counseling to help your children cope with the emotional challenges of the divorce. Ask teachers to keep a watchful eye on your children and look for signs of slipping grades and antisocial behavior.
Continually put their needs ahead of your own anger, making decisions that prioritize their emotional, educational, and physical well-being.

Remember, a child-centered approach during a divorce can have long-lasting positive effects on your children’s development and happiness. By fostering a nurturing and supportive environment, you can help them navigate this difficult transition with resilience and strength.

At our firm, we are dedicated to safeguarding your family and prioritizing the well-being of your children. We do this by preserving relationships and placing importance on healthy ongoing relationships between children and both parents post-divorce. We believe that a “successful” divorce is one in which adults can process their emotions and end their spousal relationship while maintaining or rebuilding their commitment as co-parents to the children.

The Divorce Process in NJ

kenrempell · May 9, 2023 ·

How do you start the divorce process here in New Jersey? A peaceful divorce does not start with one partner filing paperwork and serving the other. Hiring a divorce attorney and surprising your spouse by serving paperwork is never a good idea. After years of helping clients through their divorce journey, I have learned that an efficient and effective divorce starts with the couple committing to an amicable divorce. For everyone, including children, it is important first to decide the divorce process and second to select an attorney faithful to that process with whom you are comfortable. It is much better to start off on a peaceful path.

Once you know you are moving forward with the divorce, you must decide how you will divorce. And here you do have several options. The first question to ask yourselves is, “do you want to negotiate or litigate?” The former includes mediation, or a negotiation process, either cooperative or collaborative divorce, which relies on an atmosphere of respect, honesty, cooperation, and integrity geared toward the future well-being of the family. Whereas litigation, which I do not recommend, is when you each hire attorneys and prepare for battle. This is more costly, complex, and time consuming.

Deciding to divorce doesn’t mean you have to fight. In fact, it’s often the end of the fighting. Families change when parents separate, but parenting does not end. Separation and divorce is a time to begin new parenting responsibilities and a new parenting relationship. Once you decide to use a peaceful process, gather all your documents. We will need your marriage license, information on your children, and the most recent copy of all financial statements. Collect these as a couple. Then,start to think about your goals. For example, how will you leave the marriage financially comfortable for the future or what do you want your parenting schedule to look like considering your work schedules, children’s activities, and holidays? Do not make demands or draw lines in the sand. Those actions are not productive.

While it is unlikely you will have all the answers right away, starting to think about this will help identify problems requiring resolution.

The legal aspects of your divorce are actually fairly simple to file and have processed through the court once your agreements are in place. You may hear from friends and family about how long and painful the divorce process is going to be – that just isn’t true. Lengthy court battles are usually constructed by attorneys and their clients who enjoy fighting and “want their day in court.” In reality, before you get to a judge, you will have to go through a mediation process, so why not start a peaceful resolution process from the beginning?

As you and your spouse make these important decisions, I am here to help.