NJ Divorce

What is parental “alienation”?

kenrempell · October 4, 2023 ·

What is parental “alienation”?

Alienation, often referred to as refuse/resist, is an array of generally recognized symptoms and/or behaviors discernible in family members. Recognition of associated symptoms and behaviors has been on the rise, and the outcome for children can be very poor, especially as children get older. Reliance on litigation or individual therapy has proven ineffective interventions.

These cases matter because they usually involve high conflict that, unto itself, is a poor indicator of cooperative future parenting. These cases matter because they often lead to trauma and chaos in a child’s life. These cases matter because they make use of substantial resources – financial, time, and emotional.

There is general agreement about the behaviors that parents can use to manipulate children’s feelings, behaviors, and beliefs before and after separation. Here are but a few:

1. Badmouthing/denigration of rejected parent;

2. Emotional manipulation;

3. Limits and monitors contact;

4. Allows child to make adult decisions;

5. Allows/insists that the child makes decisions about contact;

6. Rarely talks about the other parent;

7. Uninterested in the child’s time with the other parent, and

8. Refuses to speak with the other parent.

Other contributing factors include intense marital conflict, divorce conflict and litigation, and the personalities of the parents. Factors that impact the child include triangulation between the parents, their age, temperament and personality, behavioral problems, and anxiety.

Before working on the relationship between the child and the unfavored parent, work must begin with the favored parent. Then the co-parents need preparation and agreements. Likewise, the child needs preparation and planned activities to provide new opportunities and new perspectives. These cases are difficult and require intensive attention. Often, intervention fails, necessitating additional steps

Intervention when parental alienation or refusal/resistance is a possibility should begin as early as possible. Don’t wait until one spouse feels that everything, including the love of the children, is a dog fight they need to win. We stress the importance of committing to keeping the family intact. Each spouse is encouraged to seek positive outlets for anger and even seek support from mental health professionals.

Embracing Fairness In Your NJ Divorce

kenrempell · September 22, 2023 ·

I know the NJ divorce process has many emotions, complexities, and uncertainties. As you start to unpack the changes, it is only natural to feel the urge to “win” the battle and emerge victorious. However, divorce is not a competition to win. In pursuing genuine healing and a fresh start, there lies a better path that champions fairness and mutual understanding. Amicable negotiation stands for fairness on three levels. Fairness of the rules and codes of conduct guiding the negotiation. A fair process that gives each party an adequate chance to be heard and make decisions. And lastly, a fair result.

As a seasoned NJ divorce attorney, I have witnessed firsthand the toll the “win at all costs” mentality can take on families. It’s crucial to remember that divorce isn’t just about dividing assets; it’s about untangling lives that are intricately woven together. When clients approach me with the sole desire to “win,” I gently redirect their focus toward a more holistic approach. Rather than fostering animosity and a contentious atmosphere, I encourage them to consider the entire family’s well-being. By shifting our mindset to prioritize the best interests of both parties and any children involved, we pave the way for a healthier and more stable post-divorce life for everyone. Ultimately, true success in divorce lies not in overpowering the other side but in finding a resolution that fosters cooperation, mutual respect, and a brighter future for all.

As a divorce attorney, my approach emphasizes the avoidance of unnecessary fights in favor of creative solutions that prioritize the well-being of the entire family system. I firmly believe that minimizing or eliminating litigation’s negative economic, social, and emotional consequences is essential. Rather than relying on court-imposed resolutions, I encourage an atmosphere of honesty, cooperation, integrity, and professionalism that looks toward the future. By creating a safe space for difficult conversations and fostering an interest-based, problem-solving approach to negotiations, we can achieve a resolution that benefits all parties involved. I understand the importance of staying up-to-date with the new strategies and skills required to negotiate in the multi-issue and complex divorce circumstances effectively.

With my extensive experience in collaborative/cooperative settlement negotiation and mediation and dedication to advocating for you, I strive to achieve the most favorable outcome for your case. Whether you prefer a cooperative approach or require a steadfast advocate who can utilize a combination of strategies, I am committed to providing the support you need throughout the process. Your best interests and desired resolution will be at the heart of my efforts, ensuring that you navigate this challenging time with the guidance and representation necessary for a successful outcome.

Putting Your Kids First in Your Divorce

kenrempell · August 17, 2023 ·

How can you help your children manage your divorce? Put your kids first by committing to peace, negotation and fairness. As parents, we find ourselves grappling with numerous challenges as we divorce. However, it is in the best interest of our children to put differences aside and anchor the divorce in keeping the family relationships intact.

Putting your kids first in a divorce is crucial for their emotional well-being and stability during a time that is challenging and confusing. It starts with keeping their environment stable and free from the conflict of the negotiations. Next, both parents must commit to prioritizing the children’s well-being:

Encourage honest conversations with your children about the divorce. This begins by providing age-appropriate information to help them understand the situation.
Offer constant reassurance of your love and support, emphasizing that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to care for them.
Maintain as much stability as possible in their daily routines, school activities, and relationships with friends and family.
Work with your ex-spouse to establish a cooperative co-parenting plan that puts the children’s best interests first.
Model respectful behavior towards your ex-partner, avoiding negative comments or conflicts in front of the children.
Keep conflict away from kids. Shield your children from any parental disagreements or legal matters, discussing these issues privately and away from their presence.
Be sensitive to your children’s emotions and allow them to express their feelings openly without judgment.
Support your children’s relationship with the other parent, understanding that maintaining strong connections with both parents is essential for their well-being.
Consider professional help through family therapy or counseling to help your children cope with the emotional challenges of the divorce. Ask teachers to keep a watchful eye on your children and look for signs of slipping grades and antisocial behavior.
Continually put their needs ahead of your own anger, making decisions that prioritize their emotional, educational, and physical well-being.

Remember, a child-centered approach during a divorce can have long-lasting positive effects on your children’s development and happiness. By fostering a nurturing and supportive environment, you can help them navigate this difficult transition with resilience and strength.

At our firm, we are dedicated to safeguarding your family and prioritizing the well-being of your children. We do this by preserving relationships and placing importance on healthy ongoing relationships between children and both parents post-divorce. We believe that a “successful” divorce is one in which adults can process their emotions and end their spousal relationship while maintaining or rebuilding their commitment as co-parents to the children.

Knowing How You Want To Divorce Determines Where You Can Go

kenrempell · August 8, 2023 ·

Divorce decisions should only be made once you know how you are going to go through the process. In a quote attributed to the late Yogi Berra, a hall-of-fame catcher who played for the New York Yankees, he tells us that “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.” But before you can decide where you are going, your first critical decision is how you are going to get there. How you decide to go will largely determine what is available “there.”

Broadly speaking, you have two choices in the “how” of your divorce. First is the adversarial roadmap, where a complaint is filed, thereby entering your matter into the judicial system. Eventually, there will be negotiations, most likely adversarial negotiations. Your second choice is what I characterize as amicable or peaceful negotiations.

At the end of the adversarial roadmap is a Judicial decision and uncertainty. As the adversarial process moves forward, you will undoubtedly invest additional resources, financially and emotionally. The eventual outcome is likely to be an agreement limited to a battle over legal rights that is less flexible, more formal, can harm relationships, and gives rise to a win/lose conclusion.

The primary focus of amicable negotiations is interest-based – interests and needs of the family – yours, the children’s, and those of your spouse. Success is measured by the degree to which the final resolution meets the realistic needs of all family members. Ultimately, a resolution is reached by acknowledging the legitimate needs of each party. As your attorney, counselor, and advocate, my responsibility is to ensure you make informed decisions with knowledge of the law, emotional awareness, and financial understanding.

The guiding principle of an interest-based negotiation is a healthy, mutually beneficial transition for the family, not just a deal that is unlikely to be longstanding. Amicable negotiations recognize that there are more disciplines other than the law that matter in the complexity of dissolving a marriage and reorganizing the family for the future. Your goals are within reach, and your substantive, emotional, social, and process interests will be key to attaining them. Stay tuned for an upcoming post where we’ll explore these interests in greater detail.

The initial objective that you and your spouse should prioritize is to recognize that through the negotiation process, you can and will get “there.” In situations where making decisions becomes challenging, having effective problem-solving and negotiation abilities is vital to reaching a mutual agreement. It is essential for both partners to communicate openly and honestly, expressing their opinions and concerns without criticism or prejudice. Rather than engaging in personal attacks, our focus should be on accomplishing the task at hand. I welcome the opportunity to talk with you as you take the initial steps of the divorce process.

Please call our office at (973) 921-0009 to schedule a time to talk.

How do your bills get paid during your divorce?

kenrempell · July 4, 2023 ·

When going through a peaceful divorce, it is important to establish a clear plan for handling legal, household, and childcare expenses. Addressing these financial matters proactively can help minimize conflict and maintain a cooperative environment during the divorce process. In this blog, we will discuss how to handle paychecks, the option of maintaining a joint checking account, and the significance of establishing a temporary financial plan in advance to prevent unnecessary disagreements.

First, let’s talk about income. Handling paycheck deposits during a peaceful divorce requires open communication and transparency. I recommend that you both continue depositing paychecks in the same manner as before you decided to divorce. Here are some other options to consider.

Separate bank accounts: At some point it is advisable to open separate bank accounts to ensure individual control and privacy over your finances. Each spouse can deposit their paychecks or support into their respective accounts, which can help maintain financial independence and minimize potential disputes. However, this will then require a plan on how to fund the house and child-related bills.

Maintaining a joint checking account: In some cases, divorcing couples may choose to maintain a joint checking account for the purpose of handling shared expenses during the divorce process. However, it is crucial to establish clear guidelines and mutual agreement on how funds are to be used and to maintain open communication to avoid potential conflicts.

If you and your spouse prefer an alternative financial plan, discussing and establishing it well before any fighting or disagreements arise is beneficial. By having these discussions early on, you can work together to find a solution that suits both parties and ensures a smooth transition. This can include determining how to divide shared expenses and establishing a fair and reasonable arrangement for financial responsibilities.

When considering legal expenses during a peaceful divorce, it is crucial to clearly understand the cost and who will be responsible for paying. Here are some steps to consider:

Consult with an attorney: Seek guidance from a divorce attorney to understand the potential legal costs involved. Ask about their fee structure and any retainer or upfront payment required.

Discuss legal expenses: Have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about how the legal fees will be handled. Explore options such as splitting the costs from marital funds, one spouse covering the legal fees, or creating a separate fund to be used specifically for legal expenses.

Household and childcare expenses should also be addressed to ensure peace. Here are some steps to consider:

It is my recommendation that you handle all child-related bills the exact same way as your household bills above – as close to what you have been doing and, most importantly, with a plan.
Child-related expenses can include costs for daycare, education, medical care, extracurricular activities, and other related expenses.
Establish a clear plan for sharing these expenses and ensure that both parents contribute to the financial well-being of the children.

In a peaceful divorce, it is essential to maintain open communication and a cooperative mindset when discussing financial matters. By addressing these issues proactively and establishing a financial plan, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts and ensure a smooth transition during and after the divorce process.

Remember, every divorce is unique, and it is important to consult with professionals such as attorneys or financial advisors to help you navigate the financial aspects of your specific situation. Their expertise can provide valuable insights and guidance to ensure that legal, household, and childcare expenses are handled.